Jokes

The Girlies' prayer:

Our Marks
Which art with Spencers
Hallowed be thy foodhall
Thy Gucci watch
Thy Kookai bag
In Hermes
As it is in Harrods
Give us the day our Visa Gold
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Next card And lead us
Not into Dorothy Perkins
And deliver us from Top Shop
For mine is the Naf Naf, the Cartier and the Versace For Gaultier and
Eternity

AMEX

The lads' prayer:

Our beer
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the local
Forgive us this day our daily spillage
As we forgive those that spill against us
And lead us not into the practice of poncey wine tasting, and deliver
us from alco-pops
For mine is the bitter
The ale and the lager
For ever and ever

BARMEN

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.
The vet examines the still, limp body and, after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador Retriever.
The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, " £650."
"£650 to tell me my dog is dead?!?!" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis.
The additional £600 was for the cat scan and labtest."

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him £500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red traffic light.

An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya'got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A ferrari 550, it cost half a million pounds!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man, "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if i take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but i'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes to green so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!

Something whips by him, going much faster!!!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 200mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 210mph.

Whoooooosh!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.

Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again.

The ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear.

The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything i can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath,

"Unhook...my braces from your side-view mirror!!"



						Money Raised: Target:


				The Girlies' prayer: Our Marks Which art with Spencers Hallowed be thy foodhall Thy Gucci watch Thy Kookai bag In Hermes As it is in Harrods Give us the day our Visa Gold And forgive us our overdraft As we forgive those who stop our Next card And lead us Not into Dorothy Perkins And deliver us from Top Shop For mine is the Naf Naf, the Cartier and the Versace For Gaultier and Eternity AMEX The lads' prayer: Our beer Which art in barrels Hallowed be thy drink Thy will be drunk I will be drunk At home as it is in the local Forgive us this day our daily spillage As we forgive those that spill against us And lead us not into the practice of poncey wine tasting, and deliver us from alco-pops For mine is the bitter The ale and the lager For ever and ever BARMEN A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and, after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador Retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, " £650." "£650 to tell me my dog is dead?!?!" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £600 was for the cat scan and labtest." A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him £500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red traffic light. An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya'got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A ferrari 550, it cost half a million pounds!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if i take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but i'll stick with my moped!" Just then the light changes to green so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 200mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 210mph. Whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything i can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my braces from your side-view mirror!!"